I’ve spent two of the last four nights cheering on the Cubs this baseball season. Last week someone had to explain to me that a grand slam doesn’t actually refer to how “grand” they “slam” the ball when they hit it. To be honest, there’s really not much else going on in Chicago when the Cubs might make it to a World Series. And also I look decent in blue. The real phenomena is how I’ve managed to stay so aloof to sports when it makes up a surprisingly decent amount of my interactions. I’ve been able to figure out a few tricks to give off an illusion that I somewhat understand what’s going on and I’m maybe even enjoying myself.
1. Have at least 3 opinions that apply to CURRENT sports’ facts
Google is your friend. My recent searches include: “Who can throw a baseball the hardest?”, “Which sports coach is the most misunderstood?”, and “Are there any basketball games this week?”
2. Pay attention to whether it’s the actual game or just a replay
They do a LOT of replays.
3. Purchase a jersey with a player’s name who doesn’t have a current lawsuit against them and that flatters your features, too!
Having a jersey or expensive sports parafanila is a quick and easy way to prove how much you love sports. A couple weeks ago a girl told me she paid 400 bucks for an autographed Bears jersey and I thought, ‘wow, she must be a really big fan.’
4. Use the phrase, “Hey, how’s your fantasy league doing?”
Make sure not to delve into it much further than this. Stick to mostly facial expressions and nodding. If they respond with “I don’t have one”, always reply with “Oh, that’s right” and look away.
5. Always cheer or boo AFTER others do so first
This one kind of speaks for itself.
If all else fails, sports and beer usually go together. So get drunk and let your hair down. Go sports.