The other night I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I dreamt that the waitress at the dive bar I went to earlier that night didn’t think that the tip I gave her was sufficient. 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱THESE ARE ACTUAL ANXIETY RIDDEN FEARS THAT I HAVE. Yes, I’m a people pleaser. I’ve known this for a long time. When I was 4 I almost broke my fingers off because they were wedged in between my chair and the dinner table and I didn’t want to tell my grandmother that she had done this to me when she pushed my chair in and maybe, perhaps, possibly make her feel bad. 🙄🙄 Since then, I have gotten a liiiiiiiittle better about not caring quite so much about what people think because you realize you actually can “kill yourself” trying to make others happy. Here’s a few of the ugly truths us people pleasers face on a daily basis:
There is a big difference between being “nice” and being a “people pleaser”
People mix these up all the time. I get told that I am “so sweet” a lot and that is absolutely HILARIOUS to me (and probably to anyone who knows me really well). It’s not necessarily that I can’t be nice and sweet and all that cute stuff but, to be honest… people pleasing is completely selfish. It’s me having this horrible anxiety that someone has some sort of expectation of me and that I may let them down in some way or form. It’s my incessant need to be accepted and approved and LIKED. It’s my narcissistic life.
I seem fake as f***
This directly correlates to my temptation to always put a smiley face emoji at the end of a semi confrontational text. (Like why do I need to add so many “?!?!?!?!” when I ask my roommate if they can take out the trash?!?!?!?!) The truth is, you’re probably not fooling anyone when you’re a people pleaser. People will catch on quickly of your desire to avoid upsetting anyone and anything at all costs and they will either take COMPLETE advantage of it or call you out on it. I’ve actually had ex boyfriends and close friends stand up to me for my LACK of confrontation (HUH?!). But in all honesty, always backing down and always giving in sort of just seems like you don’t really give a shit. Never standing up for yourself is completely unfair because it never really lets people in.
Like, who are you? And who are your friends?
I spread myself sooooooo incredibly thin. I like genuinely can’t say no to anyone without trying to make up some excuse about how I need to clean my shoes or something. I actually find myself resenting people for even asking me to do things in the first place because I can’t say no and they HAVE to know that. So I end up making a ton of different plans with a million different people when I all I really wanna do is go buy a bottle of wine and go home and watch the x-files 😔😔.
I’ve hooked up with guys I defffffffffinitely wouldn’t have if they wouldn’t have bought me that cheeseburger and called me pretty
Ugh. My fear of being called a bitch is almost as dehabilitating as my fear of not pleasing people. I don’t know where this idea started that I owe a guy anything when they come talk to me or buy me a drink or just act like any other normal human would. A couple of weeks ago I lost my wallet at a bar and later this guy came up to me with my credit card and said he would give it back to me if I gave him my number. (LOL, like WTF? Is robbery a pick up tactic now?) I should have alerted a bouncer or told the guy off but instead I just smiled and giggled and gave the infamous, “I have a boyfriend.” 🙄🙄 He still looked upset as he walked away and I couldn’t help but think, “am I a bitch?”
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THERE ARE STILL GOING TO PEOPLE WHO JUST WON’T LIKE YOU
I don’t like bacon. I know, that’s INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Believe me, being a well fed girl from Nebraska, I have tried and tried and I just can’t get into it. So, does that mean that bacon isn’t good? Lol, literally EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD would say ‘hell no’. Be like bacon. Don’t let the idiots like me make you question your worth. You may not be someone’s cup of tea, but you don’t have to make that your problem.
This advice is all easier said then done and obviously I am still struggling with it every day. Try to remember, we probably aren’t here to run ourselves down and drive ourselves crazy in order to make everybody else happy. Start with yourself first. The rest you can make up as you go.
**published on thoughtcatalog.com**